nursery rhyme with a twist...

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Limericks....

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue, 
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

Irish Limericks...

There was a young fellow of Crete

Who was so exceedingly neat.
When he got out of bed,
He stood on his head
To make sure of not soiling his feet.

The bottle of scent Willie sent
Was quite displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I'm told,
'Bout that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.”

A patient who kept getting worse
Cried out ‘I must go home now, nurse!
You've done all your best
And performed every test
But I've come to the end of my purse!

There once was a young man from Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."

There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.

a couple more...

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
by breezes that left her quite nude
saw a man come along,
and unless we are wrong,
you expected this line to be lewd.

There once was a girl named Irene
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
a new hydrocarbon
and since then has never benzene.